i watched episode 9, season 1 of game of thrones. for those who don’t know, this is the episode where eddard stark is beheaded in front of his two daughters and all the nosy do-nothings of king’s landing.

this episode filled me with immense grief and horror.

it was also the moment where i realized this was one of the greatest stories ever told by a human.

i recently started rewatching the show and came to that episode just the other day. one day before the 15th anniversary of it airing. it aired on june 11, 2011.

on june 11, 2026 we had to put down our beautiful baby cat. he was of course, not a baby by any means, at 15, but he was and will always be a baby. you know what i mean if you have ever had to put an animal to sleep.

the day i watched this live on hbo, 15 years ago, i never would have imagined that 15 years in the future, i would have felt such a loss in real life.

and i know that our cat, his name was tucchi, is no eddard stark. but the loss is no less poignant.

i’m still in those intense waves of grief, and i imagine i will be for some time.

i no longer need to make sure there’s room for him on the couch, feed him his favorite wet food at night, cuddle and hold him while i sleep, pet him when he butts his head against my leg, or kiss him hello when he greets me at the door, but all of those missing moments have now created an emptiness in me that i don’t know how to fill.

i suppose they won’t ever be filled. maybe they will. in different ways. only time will tell.

all i know is that 15 years ago when i sat sobbing on my couch watching eddard stark get beheaded—i had no idea that 15 years from then i’d also have to feel the immense loss of my favorite baby boy. sobbing in a different way, for a cat who i loved so much and who loved me in ways i cannot possibly ever measure up to.

i love you so much, tucchi and i am going to spend the rest of my life trying to do good by you. whatever way that manifests.