you were leaning against the windows of the fudge store
looking bored, way too cool
pawing the silver chain around your neck
i walked by, flip flops catching between wooden boards
i swear
i didn't trip on purpose
but you laughed just the same
in the ocean the next day
what a happy accident, really
you'd been treading water not far away
i pretended to get pinched by a crab
the silver glistened against that too tan skin
the glint disappeared under the water as you made your way toward me
"are you okay?"
"yeah there's just something in the--"
i jumped again, feigning pain
there was nothing there, of course
the waves rolled over our shoulders
we moved with them so easily
the next day we had greasy clam strips
cold tartar sauce
salt and wind in our hair
sitting on a carefully laid out towel
"can you tell me about your family in jersey, again?"
no, that's silly
i wasn't even listening the first time
just watching the way your neck looked
every time you swallowed
i used to think the ocean was scary
its dark, endless, rolling currents
dragging us all to the horizon
frightening creatures in the depths
sunlight disappearing over our heads
is this where we're all born?
but that's where i first talked to you
a lie bubbling from the deep
rushing to get some air
up here on the shore it's much brighter
we can go inside the fudge shop now
ride the ferris wheel
buy books from the little shop off oak avenue
i still have the bookmark we got
pressed between the sandy pages
of the swarm from schatzing
it's travelled with me on all my moves
cemented to that bookshelf
i know i'll never read it because
i'm not into the english translation
and i don't think that shrines should be disturbed
Tag: queer
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i got down on the subway floor
face so close to whatever that fluid was
“is that fucking—oh my god, you’re crazy, dude!”
the way you laughed, the disbelief
made me feel proud
cause i was the type of guy who’d stick his face in piss to try and impress you
we sat in seats next to each other
should i hold your hand?
we got up for the little old lady with too many bags
hanging onto metal poles
trying to keep our balance
i swear you fell into me when the train was on the straightaway
did you do that on purpose?
i always wondered
our friends were there
i'd confided in them once
they watched me try to be someone i wasn’t in front of you
a thrilling game i never wanted to end
we could have a house in the country, made of branches and sparkles
we’d go outside in thunderstorms and really kiss this time
you wouldn’t have to stop and say,
“we can’t.”
big solid logs crackling in the fireplace
windows overlooking the frozen lake and eternally snow covered trees
white eclipsing green, cold smothering life
something spicy in the oven, talk radio in a different room
traced my fingers over your chest
your hand on my thigh
bliss, right here on this starchy couch
unburdened, somewhere in the mountains i should have run to
your hand absentmindedly reaches for—
at the station now
stepping into this underground world
do you want to stay down here too?
the little rattling reverie
closes with the doors of the train behind us
locked inside -
your life, your very existence
is more than the ego's attempts at self aggrandizement
i can never see myself
in ways you thought you could
there's an aching emptiness of where we used to be
lisped, drunken voice notes
"i love you"s
maybe he heard
agonizing over change and parents who leave
grief is funny because
our youth only ever dies at once or not at all
"i feel like i always make you mad"
you said that to me once
like you weren't my reason
for everything
maybe he heard that too
i hope your everything is safe and that you can take these little words out of my head and turn them into nothing, which is where we are now
floating out there, gasping for air?
god, i hope not. -
i buried my eyes a long time ago
so that i could watch the world above me
through a layer
where i could be safe
two blurred shadows, overlapping
and laughing
it's hard to see in the mire
followed you down the streets
on roofs of tall skyscrapers
the flashing lights of times square, dazzling
cozy cottages in the mountains, fire crackling
getting fuzzy now
but if i blink enough
i can still follow your trail
watched you get married
didn't even crytime passes
i survey less clearly now
i’m getting used to this
you see, things rot in the soil
but i heard sometimes they grow too -
i can see you up there in the mountains climbing your way up to a life i've left behind it’s so weird to see your friends my friends once but i was just visiting wasn’t i? do you remember crying on the floor? not wanting it to be the end scratching my fingernails into the wood i'd hoped it'd hurt, but it had felt right you know it would have been a nightmare don't you? an awful twisting dark sleep paralysis on a never-ending loop dark forests in new england horse drawn wagon pulling us in warm breath swirling around us hot mead waiting inside and the snow was falling so softly a blanket i wanted to dive into but then i realized i didn’t love you for the first time and no amount of adventure or honeyed wine could change me i’m so relieved you’re happy and i watch on wondering what would have happened if i hadn’t been who i am
tales from the cove 