i think it started in my nonny's basement
on a sunday afternoon
before the family dinner was ready
the hiding, i mean
we all sat stuffed on the couches around the room
like the spiced meatballs cooking in sauce
in the big pot on the stove
my cd player was wearing the fuck out of track number 6
what u see (is what u get)
britney spears
ever since oops... i did it again came out
i knew i needed to listen to this album
i'd told my parents i thought she was hot
whatever that means
they bought me the cd anyway
"what are you listening to?" my uncle asks me
i pull my headphones down, irritated to stop the music,
even though i'd heard this song one million times
"what?"
"what are you listening to on there?" he points to my silver cd player
my pride and joy
i panicked
and i knew i needed to lie
i could tell from his smirk that he would not believe me
i could try to fumble out the sentence, "britney spears is hot"
like i'd done with my parents
but i wasn't good at lying, yet
quickly
what's the most masculine thing i know?
"ja rule" i hear myself say
"ah, who's that?"
he doesn't believe me
"rapper," i say, "has a cool song with ashanti"
is he believing me?
he taps his fingers to his ears
miming
as if he's wearing headphones himself
"yeah, that sounds like ja rule" he says, sneering
i have not been able to look him in the eyes since
because there's something about the first lie you tell
you always remember it
and so does the person you burdened
Tag: poetry
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i got down on the subway floor
face so close to whatever that fluid was
“is that fucking—oh my god, you’re crazy, dude!”
the way you laughed, the disbelief
made me feel proud
cause i was the type of guy who’d stick his face in piss to try and impress you
we sat in seats next to each other
should i hold your hand?
we got up for the little old lady with too many bags
hanging onto metal poles
trying to keep our balance
i swear you fell into me when the train was on the straightaway
did you do that on purpose?
i always wondered
our friends were there
i'd confided in them once
they watched me try to be someone i wasn’t in front of you
a thrilling game i never wanted to end
we could have a house in the country, made of branches and sparkles
we’d go outside in thunderstorms and really kiss this time
you wouldn’t have to stop and say,
“we can’t.”
big solid logs crackling in the fireplace
windows overlooking the frozen lake and eternally snow covered trees
white eclipsing green, cold smothering life
something spicy in the oven, talk radio in a different room
traced my fingers over your chest
your hand on my thigh
bliss, right here on this starchy couch
unburdened, somewhere in the mountains i should have run to
your hand absentmindedly reaches for—
at the station now
stepping into this underground world
do you want to stay down here too?
the little rattling reverie
closes with the doors of the train behind us
locked inside -
your life, your very existence
is more than the ego's attempts at self aggrandizement
i can never see myself
in ways you thought you could
there's an aching emptiness of where we used to be
lisped, drunken voice notes
"i love you"s
maybe he heard
agonizing over change and parents who leave
grief is funny because
our youth only ever dies at once or not at all
"i feel like i always make you mad"
you said that to me once
like you weren't my reason
for everything
maybe he heard that too
i hope your everything is safe and that you can take these little words out of my head and turn them into nothing, which is where we are now
floating out there, gasping for air?
god, i hope not. -
i buried my eyes a long time ago
so that i could watch the world above me
through a layer
where i could be safe
two blurred shadows, overlapping
and laughing
it's hard to see in the mire
followed you down the streets
on roofs of tall skyscrapers
the flashing lights of times square, dazzling
cozy cottages in the mountains, fire crackling
getting fuzzy now
but if i blink enough
i can still follow your trail
watched you get married
didn't even crytime passes
i survey less clearly now
i’m getting used to this
you see, things rot in the soil
but i heard sometimes they grow too -
there's an evil calm that snakes its way through this house
a quiet light that's almost too faint to see
and as i lie here on my back
i look up at the twinkling stars
the reds
the greens
the occasional flashes of stucco walls
i feel myself rising up to meet them
even though i think i'm light years away
i can hear the upstairs neighbors yelling
because sometimes
sometimes
love
isn't the answer
and gravity is too hard to bear -
i don’t know why
why there are two of me
the side that bites his wrists
and nurses wounds
that can’t finish a book
and is reading too much
guzzling top shelf liquor
while telling everyone i'm sober
the guy who’s going to text you
the most vile things
i would never do
and i’ll sit in this cold motel room
all year long if i have to
with its scratchy sheets
and mothball smells
you're clinging to me
but i'm cold as ice
now i'm frozen to the porcelain in the bathroom tub
a little doll
please break me
the world outside is moving
and my insides are churning
i’ll wait
toss and turn
until i’m someone else
in the morning
the curtains are still closed
and you tell me
“we can’t keep out the light”
and i know you’re right
but i'm going to tell you that
i'd prefer if it was dark -
i can see you up there in the mountains climbing your way up to a life i've left behind it’s so weird to see your friends my friends once but i was just visiting wasn’t i? do you remember crying on the floor? not wanting it to be the end scratching my fingernails into the wood i'd hoped it'd hurt, but it had felt right you know it would have been a nightmare don't you? an awful twisting dark sleep paralysis on a never-ending loop dark forests in new england horse drawn wagon pulling us in warm breath swirling around us hot mead waiting inside and the snow was falling so softly a blanket i wanted to dive into but then i realized i didn’t love you for the first time and no amount of adventure or honeyed wine could change me i’m so relieved you’re happy and i watch on wondering what would have happened if i hadn’t been who i am
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if it wasn’t then it’s gonna be now tell me how how you think we’ll get out of this there aren’t many nights left of you and i i can feel it in my bones every inch of this place feels wrong forced like my smile in the picture when we picked apples you were so happy i never corrected you no one knows when i’m acting my crowning achievement i lost and left so much of myself back then i can’t remember what used to move me forward what made me wade through tides of uncertainty you always kept me anchored to shore so on the night it ended i can’t remember anything else except finally feeling free
tales from the cove 