i think it started in my nonny's basement
on a sunday afternoon 
before the family dinner was ready

the hiding, i mean

we all sat stuffed on the couches around the room 
like the spiced meatballs cooking in sauce
in the big pot on the stove

my cd player was wearing the fuck out of track number 6
what u see (is what u get)
britney spears
ever since oops... i did it again came out 
i knew i needed to listen to this album
i'd told my parents i thought she was hot
whatever that means

they bought me the cd anyway

"what are you listening to?" my uncle asks me
i pull my headphones down, irritated to stop the music,
even though i'd heard this song one million times
"what?"
"what are you listening to on there?" he points to my silver cd player
my pride and joy

i panicked
and i knew i needed to lie
i could tell from his smirk that he would not believe me
i could try to fumble out the sentence, "britney spears is hot"
like i'd done with my parents
but i wasn't good at lying, yet

quickly
what's the most masculine thing i know?

"ja rule" i hear myself say
"ah, who's that?" 
he doesn't believe me
"rapper," i say,  "has a cool song with ashanti"
is he believing me?

he taps his fingers to his ears
miming
as if he's wearing headphones himself
"yeah, that sounds like ja rule" he says, sneering

i have not been able to look him in the eyes since

because there's something about the first lie you tell
you always remember it 
and so does the person you burdened