there's an evil calm that snakes its way through this house
a quiet light that's almost too faint to see
and as i lie here on my back
i look up at the twinkling stars
the reds
the greens
the occasional flashes of stucco walls
i feel myself rising up to meet them
even though i think i'm light years away
i can hear the upstairs neighbors yelling
because sometimes
sometimes
love
isn't the answer
and gravity is too hard to bear
Tag: gay
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i have a hard enough time thinking of 3 things that make me happy.
30?
here are some thoughts that came to me in no particular order.
- therapy
- my father
- my mother
- my sister
- my boyfriend
- my friends
- my job
- the internet (i know)
- youtube
- kingdom hearts
- a really juicy book. the kind that sits with you for weeks after you’ve set it down
- kool-aid in the summer (the blue kind)
- riding a bicycle
- singing in the car
- the enchiladas my boyfriend makes me (we can seriously get two dinners out of those suckers)
- music (especially the kind i like enough to buy on vinyl)
- falling in love
- traveling
- the moment i found my birth family in a rural little town across the sea
- dead by daylight (ok any sane person would never say this game makes them happy, but i love hanging out with my friends while we play)
- the mona lisa (i have no idea why seeing this in person was so joyful, it subverted every idea i had of it and i loved that)
- wandering around countries that are not your own
- that scene in stranger things where sadie sink rises into the air. you know the one. *chef’s kiss* superb moment in tv.
- when you showed me attention for the first time
- when you told me to never speak to you again
- my apartment (i seriously love the vibe we’re starting to build here)
- our cats, tucchi and wheezy (they are precious baby angels even if wheezy peed on my shoes)
- the moment when you realize the trauma is now just a part of you, and not your entire existence
- when we finally found the hotel in new jersey after walking from new york (why were none of the streetlights working that night)
- the fact that things like this give me a chance to reflect and be grateful about what i have in my life. that makes me happy.
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i can see you up there in the mountains climbing your way up to a life i've left behind it’s so weird to see your friends my friends once but i was just visiting wasn’t i? do you remember crying on the floor? not wanting it to be the end scratching my fingernails into the wood i'd hoped it'd hurt, but it had felt right you know it would have been a nightmare don't you? an awful twisting dark sleep paralysis on a never-ending loop dark forests in new england horse drawn wagon pulling us in warm breath swirling around us hot mead waiting inside and the snow was falling so softly a blanket i wanted to dive into but then i realized i didn’t love you for the first time and no amount of adventure or honeyed wine could change me i’m so relieved you’re happy and i watch on wondering what would have happened if i hadn’t been who i am
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i was just discussing this with a friend today, actually.
she’s about to head to new zealand and that’s the place i’d love to travel to the most. but alas, i am a poor human and travel to other places is something i cannot afford.
i fell in love with a boy there once — just through email, nothing crazy — but i always had this fantasy that i’d just go there and find him walking down the street one day.
i’d say, “sam?” and he’d say, “joe?” and even though we only last saw each other when we were 16 it would be like no time had passed and that every irreconcilable difference we had was resolved.
we’d enjoy the mountains together, taste cheeses, drink wine, and wonder why we’d left so much time lost to nothing.
his country would smell like mine and i’d think that absolutely everything i’d ever wanted from life stemmed from his approval.
unbeknownst to me, years later i’d actually fall in love, shatter my world into jagged fractures and hope that i’d meet another boy there. i’d try to get internships, look at apartments, figure out how to emigrate, all in the hopes that one day i’d stumble across a boy i was never supposed to be with.
i’m sorry if you’re still reading this. and i’m sorry that life can be so terribly sad.
i hope that one day i can visit this country that has connected me with humans who have taught me so many things and shaped me into who i am.
tales from the cove 